How a Need for Approval Blocks Creativity
Watercolor painting by me
Update on my digital garden: a new section has been added on the core obstacles to creativity. I've included an excerpt here that works well as a standalone blog post. Let me know what you think!
One of the toughest challenges to creativity I have experienced is the need for approval. By this, I mean a deep-seated need for recognition and praise to feel okay as a human being. This need is often unconscious--it frequently shows up as having done something we're proud of and showing it to a boss, a spouse, friends, social media, etc. Of course, we all want approval and recognition, and we exchange them with one another all the time. It only becomes a problem when we can't motivate ourselves without it.
This need is particularly challenging for those on a creative path because feedback is an inherent part of the process, especially if we want to make money doing it. The symptoms of needing approval include:
Trying so hard to be immune to criticism that we never start, never finish what we make, or never show it to anyone else.
Falling into disappointment from a lack of or insufficient feedback, making it hard to keep creating.
Pushing ourselves to do things that may not feel authentic, such as imitating other people's style and voice instead of finding our own.
Avoiding creative risks.
Having difficulty motivating ourselves to do the work needed to develop our skills and art, which can show up in a variety of ways from anxiety to distractions.
Habitual condemnation/dismissal of our creations.
Where it comes from
While it's natural to desire approval and recognition, for many of us, it's not just a desire. We've learned early on that our legitimacy as a person comes from the approval and permission of others--parents, teachers, peers, and eventually, bosses. We've been taught that success comes from meeting or exceeding other people's expectations. While there are many theories on how children develop healthy self-esteem, my experience has been that when we receive mostly discouragement rather than encouragement for our efforts, we learn to dismiss our own efforts unless others recognize them.
Those of us who have a deep need for approval never learned to encourage ourselves and feel good about the small things we do. As an Asian kid, I had to be the best and get straight A's and 100-percent scores before my work was acknowledged. So I ended up rarely ever feeling like I'm good enough. And if I got to a point where I feel okay about myself, that position was precarious because someone who was better at what I did could always come along.
Money and the need for approval
For me, the need to make money was intertwined with the need for approval. For many, earning an income isn't just about survival. It means having social status that comes with being a professional, a doctor, lawyer, or in business. And if we chose not to take those paths and insist on doing what we love--such as being in the arts--we could earn legitimacy by making decent money at it. None of this is said out loud, of course.
The need for approval was also tied to earning money because, obviously, people wouldn't pay if they didn't like my stuff. Writing was also my way to finally "make something of myself"—to feel like my life was meaningful, implying that it wasn't already. The urgency to make money was always a shadow hanging over me even though, technically, I had plenty of time to figure it out. If I dared to feel happy for a few weeks, the gremlin over my shoulder would remind me that nobody's reading my stuff, and when would I ever make money at this anyway?
The deeper I've dug into the sources of my creative challenges, the more I've found that the need for approval was at the core of many of them. Healing in this area can have effects that cascade through most of the others.ade through most of the others.
Healing the need for approval
Most people attempt to fill this need by trying to get it from others--being a good student or employee, pleasing others, performing for others, avoiding conflict, etc. However, none of these are sustainable solutions because this approval will always be fleeting and temporary. Most people approve of us if we’ve pleased them, inspired them, or met their expectations. In any case, it is mostly about them, not us.
Instead, true healing of this need comes from learning to give ourselves the approval we seek. No one other than us can give us the permanent love we desire—not even a spouse—because we're the only ones who are always there at every moment.
We can do this by:
Practice giving ourselves encouragement for small efforts rather than dismissing them.
Practicing self-compassion and self-acceptance.
Knowing that we get to define who we are.
Reinterpreting our life's story to see its truth and beauty rather than leave it stuck in shame, guilt, or failure.*
For those for whom the need for approval is challenging, it can be one of the hardest things to let go of but also the most life-changing. The idea of it feels like giving up water when we’re already dying of thirst. But we’re not giving it up. We’re just changing the source of approval. It may be hard to imagine how giving it to ourselves could "count." But it does because all of our feelings are happening inside us, whether an external or internal stimulus generates them.
By giving ourselves the approval we need, we no longer constantly need others to tell us we're okay. We start trusting ourselves and our creative impulses rather than emulating what others are doing or chasing the latest trends (unless that fuels your creative juices). It's not that we won't ever want approval from others, but healing this need allows us to appreciate their recognition as a gift rather than grasp onto it as a lifeline.
*I plan to expand these listed topics in future updates.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know down below!
