My Practice for Finding Calm
Watercolor painting by me
I'm finally returning to the last part of The Calm Path, my series about doing hard things with less stress. Read the previous ones below if you haven't already:
Part 1:The Calm Path: On Doing Hard Things with Less Stress
Part 2: Navigating Expectations and Our Map of Reality
Part 3: How to Find Calm When Our Expectations Hurt
In this series, I've discussed how much effort and mental energy we spend trying to shape reality to our expectations and how little of it is in our control. Have you ever wondered if there's an easier way? Does life really have to be so much struggle?
Well, yes, there is. But we're so used to this way of living that most people won't believe any other approach would work. When we're stuck in a pattern that doesn't work, the path to resolution is usually the last thing we want to do.
In this final part of the series, I'll share a practice I've been using to transform my approach to goals to have more peace while still working toward what I desire. I began this series wanting to share this process immediately, but I realized it would make more sense if I introduced some key concepts that explained why you would do this. This practice was adapted from the work of Tosha Silver, whose teaching led me to find my own calm. Check out her work if this series has resonated with you.
As I've shared previously, stress in the modern world often comes from the friction between expectation and reality and trying to mold reality to our expectations. On the other hand, stress can also come from attempting to mold ourselves to fit other people's expectations, causing us to feel the pain of incongruence. These dynamics are two sides of the same coin.
We will always live within these dynamics, but we can provide much relief by practicing surrender, which is about letting go of what we can't control. While similar practices are not new in spiritual traditions, this version is not about calming ourselves for the sake of calm or for "spiritual growth" while ignoring what needs to be done or the plight of others--otherwise known as spiritual bypassing.
The Calm Path is deeply practical. It is about bringing our nervous system back into equilibrium, from which we can hear ourselves better and take the next appropriate action. Compare this to being pulled in multiple directions by what other people want, perfectionism, or worries so that we never relax.
The goals of this practice are to help you:
Stop ruminating over situations where you have no control over the outcome.
Return your nervous system to a calm state, opening you up to intuition and creative solutions.
Listen within for what you need to do next, which returns you to where you have agency.
In other words, this surrender practice is about letting go to do the best you can and doing the best you can while letting the rest go.
How it works
Have you ever noticed how we sometimes find solutions to a dilemma or inspiration for a project while doing other things? Such as taking a walk, showering, or driving--but not when we're worried or fixated on the problem.
Physiologically, our fight-or-flight response gets triggered when we are stressed or worried. While most situations in modern society aren't life-threatening, they can still trigger us if they disrupt or threaten our day, way of life, or identity. Sometimes, we've been taught to deal with uncertainties through worry because it feels like we're in control. However, the chronic stress resulting from hyper-vigilance takes a toll on the body. Like a lot of people, I was unconscious of this pattern until my late thirties, when I started having extended periods of brain fog, fatigue, and exhaustion, and something had to change.
When our stress response is activated, blood flows out of the brain and digestive system—functions less crucial to immediate survival—and gets pumped to the muscles to prepare for fight or flight. This primal reaction works well if we're fleeing from physical danger. But our problems often have no clear, immediate solutions in the modern world. We might be facing tight deadlines at work, arguments with our spouse, or dread about world events. These problems often need creative solutions, which are hindered by the stress state. In this state, we see situations in black-and-white terms: yes or no, stay or leave, good or bad, etc. It's harder to catch nuances and different angles.
Practicing surrender is about reminding ourselves that whatever situation we're in, it's not life-threatening (if it actually isn't). Our life is greater than any situation, relationship, job, etc, and we will survive even if it doesn't turn out how we want. By letting go of the outcome, we detach our sense of self from external circumstances so we can return to calm, where we have access to curiosity and creativity. A calm state allows our brains to make connections in the background so new ideas can show up.
The Practice
Step 1: Noticing
The first step is to be aware of the stress, worry, anxiety, etc. When you're feeling stressed, notice what is bothering you.
When we can respond effectively to challenges, "fear" doesn't necessarily feel debilitating. It feels more like focus and motivation. For instance, when we approach a deadline, fear can help us stay on task, and it can feel good when we know we're on the right track.
The challenge also comes when the course of action is unclear, such as struggles around where your life is going, what other people might think or do, or difficult events happening around the world. Then, these unknowns can hang over us and cause continual stress. But these are also the situations in which this practice can help.
If the object of your stress isn't apparent, that's okay. Just notice the feeling and where it's showing up in your body. Stress can sometimes be subtle or unconscious, showing up as a sense of dread, an emotional weight, or physiological symptoms such as shoulder tension or headaches. Physical tension is often a sign to pay attention to your stresses.
Step 2: Letting go
Next, ask yourself if there's something you can do about this thing that's worrying you. If the answer is yes, go do that thing. Sometimes, taking action on a worry can bring relief because it's telling us something must be done.
If you've already done or are doing your best, it's time to practice letting go. This can be done anywhere. Stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and let go of having to have a specific outcome. Sometimes, it helps people to imagine handing the worry over to the universe, a higher self, God, etc. If that's not your jam, then just relax into it.
Because the truth is, we never have complete control of how things turn out. Shit happens, you know? So many things we worry about are either not our decision to make or not as disastrous as our minds make it out to be. I'd rather live in relative peace and deal with emergencies once in a while than have it occupy my mind all the time.
As for world events like the threat of authoritarianism and climate change, these things are so much bigger than us that our actions may never feel like they have an effect. But individual actions do add up, and nothing will happen if we wait for someone else to do the work. In this case, letting go of the outcome means it matters that we are doing something, even if our influence is small. Our influence will always start small before (and if) it gets bigger, whether one is an activist, artist, or business person. These small actions are the building blocks of more significant influence. If we dismiss them because they aren't "big enough," it's like knocking down our foundation because it's not yet a skyscraper.
Step 3: Listen
When we can let go of an outcome, the urgency and pressure fall away. Then something interesting happens--we have more objectivity and can finally hear ourselves. We can see more nuanced choices rather than black or white situations--succeed at our passion or be forever unfulfilled, find "the one" or always be alone. We learn from our setbacks and make changes instead of only reacting. We let go of other people's standards and step into our own.
Once we find calm, the next step is listening to ourselves. Sometimes, we know what needs to be done but have avoided it, such as having an uncomfortable conversation with a spouse or asking others for help. Sometimes, the next step is out of our control and needs to be navigated, such as dealing with a medical emergency or a boss's anger because you were late to turn in an important project. But what happens when the next step is unclear?
When the next step is unclear
If the next step is unclear, you can practice listening to your intuition (or think of it as your curiosity) by paying attention to what would feel good to do right now or what comes naturally to you. Sometimes, you need a break to clear your head. Maybe you've put off a creative project because it's not "practical." Perhaps you get the urge to clean your apartment. The action may be related to what you've been thinking about, but it doesn't have to be.
This part of the process can sometimes be mysterious--I chalk it up to the workings of the creative right brain. Taking a break or doing something creative may not be directly related to your goals, but they can open up new pathways of thought. Maybe that ceramics class has nothing to do with you finding a date. But you have a random conversation with someone that gives you insight into your relationship patterns. Or, you might realize, while making a clay sculpture, that relationships are also shaped through small choices rather than things that come fully formed.
Our brains are constantly filtering reality for information relevant to our concerns. When we're not so preoccupied with what has to happen and how things have to turn out, we become more open to the serendipitous input that the world brings us.
When I decided to take a break from blogging and social media last year, I became curious about a concept called the "second brain," or a term for a system that helps you manage information used in your life or work. While this idea intrigued me, I only had time to dig deeper once I stopped trying to make my business work. After going down a rabbit hole of YouTube videos, I found a course that taught me how to create a database of linked ideas to facilitate writing rather than rely on memory and brainstorming. It was exactly what I needed to be more organized and think more clearly as a writer.
This path of exploration then led me to find the book "Fearless Writing," which launched my journey of self-acceptance. In the end, accepting myself was the long-term solution I needed, not more writing tips, marketing strategies, or even "healing."
When we're too fixated on the solution we think we have to have, we can miss out on the subtle cues that lead us down unexpected paths.
Start small and other suggestions
If it's challenging to let go of some of your biggest worries (most likely, it will be), start with small things that don't significantly impact your life. Try releasing worries around getting to an appointment on time, making sure you've packed everything for a trip, or losing your phone and having to get a new one. Practice seeing these things as part of the ups and downs of being alive.
In addition, I've found that many of my worries are about how someone would think of me, which leads to perfectionism and overthinking because I'm trying to control something over which I have no real control. If you're going on a date, it doesn't guarantee someone will like you because you dress well or say the right things (of course, it helps, but it's just where you start). If I'm sharing an essay, just because I like the topic doesn't mean it will resonate with everybody. The only thing we have control over is how much we like ourselves and our own work. So, it can be helpful to notice areas where your stress is caused by what someone else might think.
Lastly, don't try to do this practice perfectly. I don't. I often get hung up on something and have to remind myself to relax and let go—but the point is that I remember. Even imperfect practice changes our patterns over time. The Calm Path is such a different way of living than the one we've been taught. It requires developing trust in ourselves. It requires repetition to change our neural pathways. Our reasons for holding onto an outcome are often multi-faceted and can't always be resolved easily--which is why we start small. And sometimes, we can't let go until we're ready.
My Results
After practicing surrender and self-acceptance for a year, I started to approach life from a very different space than the urgency and pressure I used to carry. Instead of constantly pushing myself to do more, I understand the value of rest and listening to my body. I trust myself more because my worth no longer depends on others valuing my work. I've learned to love where I am rather than be dissatisfied because I'm not "there" yet. My life has become more about exploration than fulfilling expectations, and it's so much richer for it.
If you decide to try this practice, let me know if you have any questions and how it goes for you.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know down below!
