October Reflections and My Self-Acceptance Practice, One Year Later
Watercolor painting by me
Around September and October each year, when the weather turns cold and the leaves start to fall, I can’t help but look back at the year and ponder whether I’ve accomplished what I’ve set out to do. I’m never where I thought I’d be at the beginning of the year (I’m not one of those people who can make a five-year plan—I don’t know where I’d end up from year to year). Last year, I also felt depressed that I hadn’t progressed much in my writing efforts, but I recognized that it wasn’t fair to use writing productivity to measure my progress when I was focused on self-acceptance and internal work. I was happy with my emotional achievements and wouldn’t trade anything for feeling better about myself.
This year, without intending to, I looked at how much writing I’ve done and found it lacking. My anxiety was much less this year, but there were still ups and downs. The first quarter of the year went well, but then I had swings of anxiety that lasted a month at a time. Then came the summer with three trips planned, and getting Covid in August knocked me out for a month with residual fatigue. I also started working on a series with complex ideas that took a long time to think through. I loved how the series was coming along, but damn, I wished I could write faster.
At first, I felt disappointed as I had in previous years and tried to recognize how much I’ve grown this year. But that wasn’t enough. I still wanted to improve my writing productivity and “get somewhere.” I have a book I’d like to write, and it would take me multiple years at this rate. So, as of last week, I decided to try publishing a blog post once a week. To do that, I need to practice using blog posts to work through smaller ideas rather than trying to fit complex topics into a blog series. I also want to share whatever is on my mind in a week, such as this post—because a blog is a work in progress. Between my perfectionism and anxiety, it took me a few years to be okay with sharing my thoughts before they felt fully formed.
I’ve also considered returning to social media for the last few months. A year ago, I left social media to reduce the constant input and comparisons so I could learn to accept myself and find my center. It was the right choice for me. Left to my own devices, I don’t need to share what’s going on with me with the whole wide world (with my friends in direct conversation, that’s different). I had also not sorted out what I wanted to share and what my writing was about, so I felt like trying to share before I figured that out was too random. I was putting the cart before the horse. Nothing wrong with sharing for its own sake, but it wasn’t working for me.
A year and a lot of self-acceptance work later, my relationship with sharing is much lighter. I can enjoy and support other people’s beautiful posts without feeling like mine is never good enough. I no longer feel like I’m competing with every other creator. I can share what comes easy to me without trying to make things look pretty—because the less effort it takes, the more likely I’ll keep up with it. I also have fewer expectations for results, so there’s less weight around the whole thing.
I’ve only been back for a week so far, but I occasionally notice a pressure to post more frequently (I set a goal of every other day) or take photos or make art to have something to post. But then I remind myself that I want to post what is authentic and let that pressure go. I want to find out what works for me and feels good. It’s not about doing it perfectly.
So that’s where I am right now—writing, making art, doing some accounting work, and enjoying life because I no longer have to prove my worth. I’ve written about this journey of self-acceptance and still have more to say about it, so expect more on the topic in the near future.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know down below!
